Late City Edition
Vol. CXII · No. 7
Price: One Word (used)
The Daily Kerning
Thursday, October the Ninth
The paper that cannot keep still
Weather: Wordy
Extra · Extra · Extra
Type Flees Page; Compositors Baffled
Entire second paragraph last seen heading north. Editor appeals for calm.
By our own correspondent, set in haste
Filed 3:14 a.m. · Composing Room
The trouble began at half past two in the morning, when the night compositor set a headline about a dog show and watched the word DOG wander four inches to the left and stop, as if waiting to be asked something.
By three, the whole second paragraph of the shipping report had left the page. It was found later in the classifieds, where it had taken out a small advertisement offering itself for light editorial work, references available.
Management asks readers to remain calm. Those who find loose words in their morning edition should return them to the composing room, where a box has been set aside for the purpose. Do not attempt to read a word that is still moving.
Our proofreader, who asks not to be named on the grounds that her name keeps sliding off the byline, says the paper will go to press regardless. “It always does,” she said. “Some nights twice.”
Words lost overnight
4,318
Recovered by dawn: 209. Still at large: one semicolon, presumed drowned in the ink well.
Plate I
From our artist, who left in a hurry
THE SCENE IN THE COMPOSING ROOM AT 3 O’CLOCK. Capitals are seen quitting the forme by the window, pursued at a walk by the night foreman. Our artist reports that the letter W came back for its serif and left again.
A catalogue of afflictions
The Compositors’ Column
Twenty-four words, each set in the affliction it names. Hover any specimen to provoke it.
No. 01
Fade
No. 02
Move
No. 03
Spin
No. 04
Scale
No. 05
Bounce
No. 06
Flip
No. 07
Blur
No. 08
Bob
No. 09
Shake
No. 10
Vibrate
No. 11
Tada
No. 12
Jello
No. 13
Wobble
No. 14
Pulse
No. 15
Flash
No. 16
Roll
No. 17
Slide
No. 18
Wave
No. 19
Rain
No. 20
Explode
No. 21
Split
No. 22
Type-in
No. 23
Highlight
No. 24
Rotation
Specimens supplied by the composing room, which accepts no responsibility for words that leave the box
Readings taken at the composing room door
Weather & Markets
The Kerning Index
1,462
Points, tightening. Traders advise against buying vowels before Friday.
Barometric Leading
162%
And rising. Lines are standing further apart than they did at breakfast.
Forecast
Unsettled
Scattered italics after noon, clearing to plain roman by the evening edition.
Small notices, smaller patience
Classified Advertisements
Wanted
One full stop, last seen at the end of a sentence about turnips. Reward offered. No questions will be put to the comma that was standing nearby.
Lost & Found
A quantity of loose capitals recovered from the tram shed, still warm. Owners may collect on proof of typeface. The letter Q is asking for you by name.
Personal
To the Word that left the vows half set: we waited at the altar six hours and the ring is still in the forme. Come back. Bring the second syllable.
Situations Vacant
Night compositor. Must be able to hold a headline down with both hands and read upside down at speed. Own gloves. Apply in person, quietly.
Leading article
Editorial & Letters
On the impossibility of holding a sentence still
This paper has been printed every morning for one hundred and twelve years on a simple understanding: the words will be where you left them. We are obliged to report that the understanding has lapsed.
The temptation is to blame the press, or the ink, or the boy who sweeps the floor. We have examined all three. The press is bolted down, the ink behaves, and the boy has an alibi involving a sandwich.
So we are left with the words, which have discovered they can move and have not yet discovered why they shouldn’t. They are not malicious. They are simply enjoying themselves at our expense, which is the definition of a columnist.
We will keep printing. Readers should hold the page flat, read a little faster than usual, and accept that some sentences will finish somewhere other than where they began.
“A newspaper is only a promise that the words will be where you left them.”
The night foreman, in a note left on the stone
Letters to the Editor
Sir, on Tuesday I read the same paragraph three times. Not from slowness. It kept coming back.
Mrs. E. Halliwell, Row Fourteen
And another thing
Sir, your crossword has begun solving itself and is now rude about my attempts. Please send a man.
Anonymous, by the harbour
Corrections & Clarifications
Yesterday’s leader referred to the Minister for Trade. It still refers to the Minister for Trade, but two inches further down the column. We regret the walk.
In Tuesday’s edition the word incorrect was printed correctly. This was an error, and has been left in place as a memorial.
A recipe on page nine called for one pound of flour, sifted. The word sifted has since sifted itself. Readers are asked to proceed by feel.